1. SPENCER PRATT AND HEIDI MONTAG
Apparently still on again, off again after a divorce, Heidi really isn’t that bad, but Spencer is a horrible human being. It’s obvious that he has pulled Heidi down in the past and it would be for best if Heidi realized that and dumped this scummy loser for good.
2. BEN AFFLECK AND JENNIFER GARNER
These two are just gross. When they’re together, they always look so g–d— happy and they flash around their beautiful, happy kids and ultimately, it just pisses everyone besides them off. Jennifer Lopez had a stint with Affleck and this second Jennifer is not much better.
3. KIM KARDASHIAN AND KANYE WEST
Both of these people are really just the worst. They play on the drama centered lives of American TV spuds and they take zero accountability for their position in society. Kim never did anything to deserve notoriety anyway, and prior to extensive plastic surgery, was not anything special to look at, either. Kanye has been on a PR suicide mission by bombing the spots of award winners everywhere. Together, they made a video that was probably better as a parody when James Franco and Seth Rogan rubbed each other sweetly, (so you know it was bad). Maybe it’s best if they stay apart…
4. ANY COUPLE WITH TAYLOR SWIFT IN IT
Taylor Swift has openly said that she writes songs about boys in her life and the specifics of her relationships. She has also been through enough cute, bald-faced boys to be considered the community doorknob (everyone gets a turn). Any guy that winds up with Taylor Swift better know in advance that they’re not going to be with her for long, and there’s probably going to be a really cutting pop hit about the relationship not long after it breaks up.
5. RYAN REYNOLDS AND BLAKE LIVELY
Ok. So this is probably rooted in a lot of jealousy from both sexes. Each of these people are beautiful and they are always clearly in love at social functions. It’s another couple that almost makes you sick over how happy they are, but their great looks and charm somehow overtake that sentiment. They also have a tendency to be a bit stiff when together – maybe a bit of single life would loosen them up!
6. ASHLEE SIMPSON AND EVAN ROSS
So Ashlee Simpson shot her career in the face when she was caught lip syncing. Diana Ross’s son, Evan, was the over-the-top gay fashionista that outfitted Katniss with her cool flames in the Hunger Games. Together, they are less than impressive, yet somehow they seem to hog up the social functions of Hollywood and receive much more attention than they’re due.
7. BEYONCE AND JAY-Z
Talk about yesterday’s news. A rapper who doesn’t rap anymore? A singer past her prime, churning out dog-s— quality, pre-fabricated songs for the sake of the almighty dollar? Put them together and they’ll actually believe that they are the King and Queen of New York. Plus the most recent news of Beyonce’s sister beating on Jay-Z and screaming at him in an elevator… Something tells us that there’s a more “Ray Rice” element to this relationship than we’re being told…
8. JOHNNY DEPP AND AMBER HEARD
On a very personal level, this entry is entirely because Amber Heard should be available, on the market, ready to make the hopes and dreams of other men everywhere a reality. She is an Adonis in every way and she is 23 years younger than Johnny Depp, too. Not that that matters, of course, because… it’s Johnny Depp. He’s going to be 80 years old and still dating 20 year old models.
9. ASHTON KUTCHER AND MILA KUNIS
Perfection to sickening proportions. These two are always out in the scene – they go to sporting events regularly and they pair so well together that it’s actually nauseating. We collectively have seen enough cute-sy love between them during That 70’s Show to last a lifetime – now that the relationship is real life, it’s twice as gross.
10. JEFF GOLDBLUM AND EMILIE LIVINGSTON
While very cool in Jurassic Park and Independence Day, Jeff Goldblum has lost a bit of his celebrity spark. Recently featured in Apartments.com commercials talking about polygons and snails, it’s obvious that a man can only ride on, “Faster. Faster. Must go faster,” for so long. What’s even more amazing is that he proposed to her in a Hardware Store and she still said yes. I guess that’s what happens when national name recognition and an entry into a higher tier of fame decide they want to marry you – it doesn’t matter where, how or why, JUST SAY YES! Blugh. Gross.
11. JENNIFER ANISTON AND JUSTIN THEROUX
Jennifer Aniston is still gorgeous and she’s taken a step back from committed relationships. Nonetheless, she is dating Justin Theroux steadily and it’s kind of a shame. She’s been touting her single life and style for long enough that it’s disappointing to see her settling down with someone. Either way, it seems more focus is on Brad and Angelina anyway, but Jennifer Aniston is definitely a dead sexy stoner chick that would be better on the market for single males to court.
12. JASON SUDEIKIS AND OLIVIA WILDE
Separately, these two may be tolerable, but when they’re together, they are so stiff and disinterested that it brings the entire room down around them. They don’t show that spark of genuine love that Mila and Ashton do, (even though it’s gross) and nor do they truly captivate attention. All in all? Ho-hum, boring.
13. VICTORIA AND DAVID BECKHAM
These two believe that they are the Golden God Couple of Hollywood, but they are so off point. Posh is a memory – a figment of the imagination that at some point during the 90’s, the Spice Girls existed. Beckham played soccer. That’s great and interesting, but the fact that he doesn’t play anymore kind of kills his celebrity. Leonel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo… now those are names floating around in soccer…